No matter which exact words you choose, focusing on “I” statements is key, Emma stresses. For example, you might say: “I hear what you’re saying right now, and it sounds really difficult. I think a therapist might be able to help with that.”
“You” statements, on the other hand—“You need help”—rarely land well. “The minute we use that word, it takes on more of a defensive nature,” she says. “To someone who can’t handle constructive criticism, it feels as though there’s something wrong with them, or they did something wrong.”
There are other harmful comments to avoid, too. “You definitely don’t want to say, ‘You’re crazy,’ or ‘You’re never going to get better if you don’t get therapy,’” Emma says. Ultimatums and threats don’t work. They’ll only drive the person you care about deeper into defensiveness.
When to drop it
In order to benefit from therapy, somebody has to want to be there. Gluck has had plenty of clients shuffle into her office because their parents or romantic partner pressured them to make an appointment, yet they weren’t actually open to the idea. “If you’re not invested, you’re not going to get anything out of it,” she says. “Don’t force anyone.”
